Articles #קשר

Couples learn to respect each other's places as well, but without losing their self-identity within the relationship, and thereby create a strong and stable marital relationship

As always on Shabbat Parshat Shemot we call the family members, take action! Look around you, ask, search in matchmaking groups, consult, contact professional matchmakers - it doesn't matter - but the right rests with you too.

One of the questions I am often asked (and sometimes in the first conversation) from couples who come to me for counseling is: "How long will it take?" I don't have one answer that fits all couples. But I add and say that one of the elements that can affect the duration is how much you will be able to change the things that require change (which is really not easy!), how much you will internalize and be able to apply the tools you acquire in our meetings, how quickly you will be able to acquire new behaviors, and of course how accurate I am I will be for you.

In a relationship, humor has the power to help us reduce damage and minimize our conflicts. Sometimes instead of continuing to talk about a marital conflict, a good joke can move us from the place where we have already started to dig in without being able to get out. Sometimes the joke is the almost only way out of the unwanted place we have arrived at. It is also possible to use humor as a temporary way out, with the ability to return to the conflict at another time, after we have calmed down a bit.

Holidays and family meals can be difficult for those who want the togetherness. And any advice given here is not always suitable for everyone; There are those who would prefer the offer not to come this time and give them an opening for refuge. There are those who would prefer to be part of the main thing and stop these compassionate looks. And there are those who would like that together with them we get drunk and laugh and shout: for next year with a ring and a canopy.

When someone listens to me, I feel that I am important to him, I feel that what I am going through interests him, and he wants to take part in my feelings and emotions. When someone listens to me, the difficulty I had is divided in two, and if it was a positive emotion it is doubled (yes, it's such a magic...). When someone listens to me, I feel that what weighed me down, already weighs less, and the burden I felt was carried by two. At the same time, it is important to note that, no less than knowing how to listen, it is also important to know how to share. To tell my story in a concise way, with important details but not to bore. Sometimes the partner's difficulty in listening stems from an excess of details, or from going back and forth.

And so it is important that we all remember, precisely in these days, that this movement of the exodus from Egypt, this constant reminder of where we have been and where we have progressed is a movement that calls us to be more attentive, more caring, more sensitive.

A relationship is an excellent, exciting and surprising opportunity to check and explore the world of values ​​of each of us. When a couple came to me with a dispute about how often to talk to the wife's mother, I asked each couple to expand a little on their point of view. The woman said that her mother is divorced, and she has an excellent relationship with her. She said that she knew how hard it was for her when she got married (she was the last in the family), and she stayed alone at home. She knows that her conversation is important to her mother, and it gives her a feeling of warmth, security and love. When I asked her, what values ​​underlie her behavior, she spoke of respecting parents, caring for others, doing good, expressing love.

But I often come across a 'strange' phenomenon. Sweet couples, who outside of their relationship are engaged in professions that are all charitable (and there are quite a few such professions), or couples who outwardly are couples who contribute and give to the family and the community. But, sometimes, those people for some reason, do not 'see' their partner. For some reason, their good heart is focused on giving outside the home, but inside the home they behave differently and sometimes even quite the opposite.

And what goes through the minds of our children? What do they think, when they meet 'the one'? Are they satisfied with their choice? Do they also have concerns and question marks? Do they also think, how will she fit in at home? Is it important to them, what we, the parents, will think of her? Are they worried that they will be 'fadihot'? Is it important to them that we like her? Is it important for them to get 'approval' from us?